LOVE LETTER
8,TerPelkwykstr. Zwolle. Febr.19th.1931
My dear Margaret,
Please forgive a friend of childhood days for breaking silence after waiting half a lifetime.This will seem hardly believable, and yet it is true.
I hope you will be able to read these lines in the spirit in which they are written. More than 30 years have passed since you left here, and my only sin at the time was that I loved you with infinite tenderness.Then the mad longing to see you again,and oh--the utter helplessness of a child. And why do I confess now ? Because,you know,according to the Statute of Limitations in this country,even the worst of crimes is no longer punishable after the lapse of 30 years.So I believe I may be condoned for telling you all about my life now.According to human reckoning,after so many years old scores are forgotten and old sores are healed.And why did not I write at the time you had left?
Because the night we had said good-bye,I broke down and sobbed out my secret to Mother.She tried to comfort me by saying you would very likely come back soon.The next morning my nerves were in such a state that I could not go to school. Oh,the unintended cruelty and lack of understanding of grown-ups ! My sisters and an uncle and aunt,who were staying with us just then,heard about it all from Mother,and - - - - ridiculed me and made fun of me !
Their comment to me was somewhat like this:"How can a child,a mere kid of eleven years old,know love;it's absurd! Get over it boy,and laugh--don't make a fool of yourself!"
Even Mother,though more sympathetic,suggested that if I had been,say 17,and you had been staying with us,instead of uncle Herman,there might have been a possibility of other feelings than just friendship.
The result of all this was that I began to feel ashamed of the noblest feelings and the greatest love I have known,and shall ever know.
I was made to feel--or,at any rate,thought I was---that a boy cannot know love,and I started to look upon it as a weakness,to be shunned,not to be spoken of to anyone.
And so,I shut up the shell containing the priceless pearl,the love YOU had awakened in me.
You will now understand that,though I was yearning to write to you,to hear from you,I never dared do it.The remarks of folks at home had stunned me,puzzled me,and hurt me on the raw.Oh-- the strength of a boy at that age! and his utter helplessness as well! Just imagine,I simply dying to have a word or sign from you,and never having the courage to write,for fear of being thought childish or silly! But I did get the cards you sent us on getting home,and a couple of letters and a photograph you sent my sister Sien.I remember,about five years later,how one day I left that picture about in my bedroom table,and----was teased and ridiculed again!
I shall not tell you now of the despair and mental agony I suffered,but will only say,what everyone who has loved and lost knows,that I have gone through the heights and depths of happiness and misery.It is true,time takes the sting out of sorrow,and,thank God,there are compensations,by which I mean that the deepest state of unhappiness,and grief for the loss of what one holds dearest on earth,will hold at the same time thoughts of the highest bliss and purest happiness,because they are associated with the person loved.This,however,is often not realized until very much later. Therefore,after all,I can say I am thankful this has been my fate,for if I had been spared the loss,I should not have know the gain,and it has made me more human.
My love for you Margaret has been one that may have been equalled,but surely cannot have been surpassed.One result of it was that I came to love your language,and in school and out of school I began to study it -- not at first with a view to taking it up professionally -- but with the intention of learning to speak it thoroughly well,and then ------ to go to America and find You. But before I had the opportunity,the news came of your engagement and marriage in 1910.
Well,it left me dazed,heart-broken,and life has never been the same since then.So,I have had to make the great renunciation. But,thank God,I can honestly say it did not make me bitter or jealous.
Fortunately I went through the worst years at an age when resistance and buoyancy are greatest.I was healthy and strong,and very fond of outdoor-games and sports;which helped me to pull through;but the blow has left an indelible imprint.
I have met and mixed with many girls in my younger days,and have liked some very much,but my love for you stood supreme,and there was not one to equal you. By nature,I am a marrying man,and I have hopes still of finding a partner to share life with me.
When Egbert was here in 1918,I told him what I have been telling you now. Did he ever say a word about it to you ? Did your Mother say anything on her return in 1927 ? Did aunt Riek at any time write about me to you? Did you hear from anyone about my feelings ever in your life ? Did you ever sense anything of what was going on in my mind and heart ? Do,please,answer these questions if you can.
And now I have tried to give you in short an outline of what has been the leading thought and experience in my life;a mere skeleton only;for to fill it out and complete it to a whole,by which I mean adding all thoughts and emotions incidental to it in the course of a man's life of mind and soul,would take many years in telling,and could not be put down in cold words on paper.
I wrote a long letter to your Mother in 1927,but I never sent it. Why do I write you now? Because I have long cherished a strong desire to do so,and believe that,after all,it is better that you should know what you have meant to me,and because it will relieve my feelings.
I shall not mention this subject again,unless you want me to. So,please,forgive me,if there is anything to forgive.
God bless you and your family.
Believe me,ever your sincere well-wisher,
Dirk